Chapter Ten: Confession

Abby

*

We were cuddling on the couch at his place, watching the end of a movie on a rainy Friday evening a couple days after the softball game; Ben’s arms wrapped around me, my head rested against his shoulder, and his cheek rested on the top of my head.  I knew the film was almost over, but I didn’t want to move.  I could have lain there with him for days.  But it did end- and Ben loosened his hold on me.

*

“You seem sleepy, do you want to get going?”

*

“No,” I hugged his arms to me, “I want to stay right here.”

*

“That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”  He settled into his original position, then began kissing my neck.  It felt so good I unconsciously arched my back and stretched my head out, exposing more of my throat to his mouth.  Every brush of his lips against my skin sent shivers through my body.  I wanted more and more of him.  My heartbeat sped up and blood rushed to my head as his lips gently made their way to my ear and whispered my name.

*

I couldn’t take it anymore; I shifted to face him, sitting up on my knees between his legs.  Kissing his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his neck, slowly I made my way to his mouth.  I locked onto his lower lip, forced his mouth apart, and drove my tongue in to meet his.  His lips moved with me, his tongue danced around mine.  Pressing my hands into his chest, I experienced every beat of his heart, every breath he took in.  His smell, his taste, overpowered me.  His electric touch nearly drove me wild; his fingers lightly danced up and down my back, sending tingling sensations through my spine.  My hands moved to clutch his biceps.

*

Suddenly he shifted, too.  Now he knelt on the couch as well, bringing our bodies even closer.  I felt dizzy, excited, confused.  His hands traveled to my face, then into my hair, tugging and twisting it around his strong fingers.  Our lips stopped working for a moment and I opened my eyes.  He pushed several strands of hair off my forehead; his fingers lingered on my temple for a few seconds, then traced the outline of my face.  I mimicked his motions, using my fingertips to memorize the contours of his face.  I paused brushing them across his lips and we were unable to resist each other any longer.

*

He pulled me tightly to his chest, standing up from the couch and sweeping me into his arms in one swift movement.  Our bodies behaved like magnets, instinctively attracted to each other, glued together in an unbreakable bond.  Safe in his firm hold, my legs dangled inches from the floor.  After a moment my feet touched the ground, our bodies still locked together.

*

He leaned into me and I found myself moving backwards.  He guided me until I lay back on the couch, my head resting on the throw pillow he sat against only a few minutes ago.  It was still warm from his body heat.  Continuing to kiss me, he leaned over, letting his legs tangle themselves in mine.  Intoxicated by the pressure of his weight on top of me, my breathing turned heavy and my hands shook as I caressed his face.

*

Part of me wanted nothing more than to have all of him right there, in that moment, but another part of me was scared and unprepared.  His hands slowly moved up my stomach, lifting my shirt slightly.  Heat tore through my thighs and snaked up my belly and into my chest.  I didn’t want to stop, but I couldn’t keep going.

*

“Wait,” I breathed, “I can’t.”  He immediately stopped kissing me and straightened up.  It took every ounce of self-control to not grab his shirt and pull him back.  Instead, I sat up as well.

*

“What’s wrong?” he asked, concern and bewilderment mingled in his expression.

*

“I’m sorry.  I want to.  I really, really want to, but I can’t.”  I looked away, hiding my tears from his gaze.

*

“Why?  Did I do something wrong?  Did I hurt you?”  He reached over and nudged my chin so he could look into my face.  A tear broke free from my eye and dropped on his finger.

*

“No, no, no.  You did nothing wrong.  You did everything right.  But I can’t sleep with you.”

*

“Abigail, we aren’t going to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”  His tone told me he was exasperated and disappointed.  I hated doing this to him.  Why hadn’t I just told him the truth from the beginning?

*

“I know.  But, you don’t understand.  I’m…” I paused.  I wasn’t sure I really wanted to say these words.  “I’m a virgin.”

*

“What?”

*

“I’m a virgin.”

*

“How is that possible?”

*

“I’ve never had sex.”

*

“Yes, I know what it means.  But how is it possible that you’ve never had sex?”

*

“I’ve been waiting.  Well, what I mean is I’ve always known I would wait until I got married.  And when you don’t have any temptation, it’s pretty easy to stick to that.  So, we can’t go any further tonight, because if you tempt me…” I let the last few words drift off and looked into his eyes, trying to read his reaction, but I couldn’t.  I wasn’t expecting his next question.

*

“You’ve never been tempted before?”

*

“Before tonight, no.”  Looking down at my fingers, I examined my nails and cuticles, anything to avoid his bewitching eyes.

*

“Why didn’t you tell me all of this before now?”

*

I considered the question for a minute before I answered, trying to find the right words.  But nothing seemed right, because I should have told him a long time ago.  “I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed.  And I didn’t tell you because I was afraid, afraid you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that didn’t involve sex.”  Stealing a glance, I noticed his face turn red.

*

“First of all, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.  Second of all, is that really what you think of me?  That I’m so shallow I wouldn’t want to be with you if I couldn’t sleep with you?”  He looked so upset, I instinctively leaned over and hugged him, but he pushed me away.

*

“Don’t take it like that,” I pleaded.  “That’s not what I said.  But I’ve been in this situation before.  Guys don’t tend to react well when I tell them.”

*

“So you thought I’d act like all of the jerks before me?” he protested before I could finish explaining.

*

“No!  Well, not really.  Mostly, I was afraid you wouldn’t look at me in the same way.  That you would think I was a prude; that I thought sex was a bad thing or I was judgmental about others because they hadn’t waited.  And I’m not like that. I never wanted you to think I was.  And I guess a part of me thought maybe you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. I was scared you would suddenly disappear, that you’d stop calling and I would never see you again.  Can you blame me?  The whole world tells me men only have one thing on their minds and past experiences have not changed that perception.”

*

I waited for him to answer, but he just sat there.  He didn’t look angry anymore, but he didn’t look like himself either.

*

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have led you on.  I didn’t do it on purpose, but I still should have known better.  I’m really sorry.  I’ll go.”  I started to gather my things from around the room: my purse beside the couch, my shoes in the corner, my jacket hanging in the closet.

*

“Abby,” his voice was soft, but strained, “I don’t want you to leave.  I just don’t know what to say.”

*

My keys were in my hand, but I didn’t walk out the door.

*

“I don’t understand,” he began again.  “Why couldn’t you trust me?  We’ve been dating for almost three months and I’ve never even tried anything before tonight.  I never would’ve made you feel uncomfortable or wrong about your decision.  I never would’ve pressured you. Don’t you know me?”  He hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch, he hadn’t even turned to look at me as he said this.  I dropped my jacket and keys and sat down beside him, taking his hand in mine.

*

“I want to trust you.  I’m getting to know you.  But this is all so new for me.  I’ve never been in this kind of relationship before.  I’ve never had a serious boyfriend; I’ve never even gotten past date three with anyone else.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  Please don’t be upset.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

*

“Let’s get a few things straight.  I’m not like every other guy.  Sex is not the only thing I want from a woman.  And I’ve never had a relationship like this either.  I wake up in the morning and the first thing I want to do is talk to you.  I’m not going to jeopardize that by moving faster than you.  Do I want to sleep with you?  Yes, of course I do.  You’re sexy as hell and I love spending time with you.  But I have an even stronger urge to protect you.  I’d rather spend 100 years with you, without sex, than spend ten minutes with anyone else.  Can’t you see that?”

*

“Yes,” I croaked.

*

“Then why do you refuse to believe it?  Abby, look at me.  I’m not going anywhere- stop trying to convince me to leave you.  I’m in this for the long haul.  I’m not giving up on you.”  With that, he pulled me close and hugged me tightly.

*

After a few minutes of peace, he loosened his hold and sucked a gulp of air into his lungs.  “Can I ask you a question?”  He exhaled and slid away from me on the couch.  I nodded.

*

“Why are you waiting?”  His eyes looked into mine, telling me his curiosity came from wanting to understand me, not from wanting to change my mind.  Inhaling deeply, I decided he had a right to know.

*

“When I was thirteen, my mom gave me the whole birds and bees sex talk.  Somehow she decided simple mechanics weren’t enough, she wanted me to know about the physical and emotional consequences, so she told me about her first experience.  She was a junior in high school and head-over-heels for her boyfriend, a senior named Jake.  Jake convinced her that if she loved him, she would sleep with him, and she thought she loved him.”

*

Stretching my arms and legs, I stood up and walked to the window.  Rain fell softly and silently on the grass.  The dreariness outside matched the story I was telling.  “She got pregnant and he dumped her.  He swore to his parents and hers that he couldn’t be the father, that they hadn’t done anything, that they’d been broken up for over a month.  She was absolutely devastated, the stress caused a miscarriage, and she spent the rest of high school depressed and suicidal.”

*

Turning back around, Ben’s anxious eyes caught mine and held me in place.  “She refused to let any man touch her for years, she couldn’t bear the thought of getting hurt like that again.  But then she met my dad.  He loved her and he didn’t try and use that love as a bargaining tool.  He was patient.  He waited for her.  Though I didn’t really want to hear about my parents’ sex life, she said the first time they made love was the most amazing experience of her life, other than giving birth.”

*

I paused again, making sure his eyes hadn’t glazed over, but they were still locked with mine, so I continued, “Then she told me that she knew I was young and this was a lot of information to take in, but there would be times I was going to be faced with adult decisions and she wanted me to be prepared.  The most important thing she told me is that sex is a gift you give someone and you should only give it to someone who loves you.  She told me she didn’t necessarily expect me to wait until I got married, but that she wished someone would have told her how much it hurt to give yourself to someone who had no intention of giving anything back.  I thought about it for a long time.  At thirteen I wasn’t ready to make that kind of decision.”

*

Ben patted the couch beside him, so I joined him.  Taking my hands in his, he wordlessly encouraged me to go on.  “In high school, one by one, all of my friends lost their virginity.  They told me the stories: it was painful, they didn’t have fun, they wished they hadn’t done it.  Don’t get me wrong, there were a few who loved it, but they were all girls who’d been in long-term relationships before taking that leap.  I never dated anyone seriously, so it was never an option for me.  I never had to make the choice.  When I was nineteen, Anna and Will got married.  When she told Ashley and me about their wedding night, I made up my mind.  He loved her and they bonded on an even deeper level than she could ever have imagined.  I want that.  I want sex to be an experience where I feel more than passion and pleasure, I want to feel wanted, beloved.”

*

My hands trembled inside his; I’d never shared anything so personal with another person before.  Ben’s face was hard to read, he wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t frowning either.  A tear slid down his face and he swiped it away, then bent his head down and kissed my hand.

*

“You’ll have that someday.”

*

*

<– Chapter Nine: Play Ball!********************Chapter Eleven: Breakfast and Dinner –>