Chapter Sixteen: Another Confession

Ben

*

“Yes!” I jumped from my seat and pumped my fist in the air as Drew tore the shit out of the ball and trotted around the bases, bringing in two other runners.  Abby looked up from her book and raised her eyebrows.

*

“Sorry.  Home run,” I explained.

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“It’s okay, I’m used to your outbursts by now, I think.” She laughed and turned her attention back to her book, shifting in her seat.  But after another couple of minutes she closed and set it aside.

*

“Ben, I need to ask you something.”

*

“Sure, babe, but can it wait a little bit?  It’s the top of the eighth and the Sox are winning.”  I didn’t wait for her answer, just looked back to the game.  Silence returned to the room.

*

At the end of the inning, she reached over and grabbed the remote, turning off the volume in one swift move.

*

“Hey!  Just one more inning!”

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“I know, I’m sorry.”  She did look sorry, hanging her head and turning the remote over in her hand.  When she brought her head up, her eyes found mine and pleaded with me.

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“What?  What is it?  Are you okay?” I grabbed her hands and moved closer to her on the couch.

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“Ben, how many women have you slept with?”

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Whoa.  I was not expecting that.  Holy shit.  I can’t answer that.  She doesn’t want to know.  Why would she ask me that? I dropped her hands and faced the television, trying to figure out how to answer the question both honestly and painlessly.  It couldn’t be done.  I realized after a while that the game was over and I couldn’t stall any longer.  Turning off the TV, I twisted around to face her.

*

“Are you sure you want to know?”

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“I think I need to know.”

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Shit. I picked up her left hand and turned it palm up, stroking the soft pads of her fingertips.  “No matter what I say, you need to know that my past, my history, doesn’t change anything about us.”  At least it shouldn’t.  It doesn’t for me.  Please, don’t let it change anything for her.

*

Her face lost all color and she flipped her hand over to grip my fingers.  “Oh God, is it that many?”

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I tried to laugh, to smile, but it came out all wrong and the trepidation on her face deepened.

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“I don’t think it’s a lot, but I think you’re going to think it is.”

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She gulped and straightened her back.  Her eyes never left my face.  “I can take it.”

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Can you?  Really? I frowned and looked down at the couch.  I really, really didn’t want to answer, but she waited for me, her fingers tightening around mine with each passing second.  I took a deep breath.

*

“Five,” I mumbled, still refusing to meet her eye.  Her grip loosened and she sighed, putting her free hand on my cheek.  I finally looked up.  She was smiling.

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“That’s not a lot at all.  Can I ask who?”

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Who?  The number isn’t enough for her?  Now she wants to know who?  I don’t get it.  I don’t want to hurt her, it would kill me to think about her sleeping with other guys. “Abby, I don’t think this is a road you want to go down.”

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“I just need to know.  I need to understand why you’re okay with us not getting closer physically.”

*

Ah.  Of course.  She wants to know why I’m still around taking a voluntary vow of celibacy to be with her. I laughed nervously and stood up.  “So that’s what this is about.  You want to know why I’m okay avoiding sex?”

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She shrugged her shoulders.

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“You think there’s something I’m not telling you that makes me okay with waiting.”

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“I don’t know.  I don’t think you’re okay with waiting, not after last week.  But you are, for me.  I need to know why.”

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I groaned and started pacing around the room.  She watched me with those bewitching green eyes.  I didn’t want her to look at me differently after this, but I also knew she wasn’t giving up the issue.

*

“The first girl I slept with, Jennifer, was my high school girlfriend.  I was 17.  We broke up a year later, when we were at different colleges.  She didn’t want to continue long distance.  The second was my college girlfriend, Dionne.  We didn’t have a future beyond sex, which is why we broke up after graduation.”

*

I snuck a glance at her face, she continued to follow my steps back and forth across the floor.  “The next person, I didn’t know very well.  It was a one-night stand.  Her name was Kasey and she was a friend of Trish’s.  Trish was trying to help me move on from Dionne and I wasn’t really ready.  She still avoids me whenever we happen to be at the same party or bar.  I’ve never been more ashamed of myself than the morning after that night.  I’m surprised Trish ever forgave me.”

*

I peered at her again, convinced her eyes wouldn’t be able to look at me anymore, but she actually smiled, stood, and crossed to meet me.  She took my hand and I found the courage to go on.

*

“Number four was a girl I dated for about a year, Megan.  She told me she loved me, and I couldn’t bring myself to say it back, so she broke up with me.  And number five was Rebecca.  My last girlfriend before you.”  My face burned as I made eye contact with her.

*

“Your mother was right, Abby.  It hurts when you sleep with someone and they don’t feel the same way about it as you do.  I’ve been on both sides.  Jennifer and I cared deeply about each other, but the relationship always meant more to me than it did to her.  When she decided to end things, I was devastated.  The long distance sucked, but I passed up opportunities with other girls because I was in love with Jen and didn’t want to break up.  We both should’ve known long distance wouldn’t work, but we were young and naïve.  It was agony, I’ll never do it again.”

*

Abby nodded and squeezed my hand.

*

“When I met Dionne, we had such a physical connection, I refused to let myself get connected emotionally to her.  She liked things that way.  She enjoyed the sex and that’s really all she wanted from me.  I tried to introduce her to my friends and family, but she always made excuses to get out of it, and I was always secretly relieved.”

*

I led Abby back to the couch and we both sat, she kept her hand attached to mine.

*

“Kasey really liked me, and I took advantage of her.  I was drunk and stupid and I hate myself for it.  With Megan, I did care about her, and I tried to take things slowly, but she said she wasn’t fragile; she could handle physical intimacy without emotional intimacy.  And for a while, she was fine.  But she got hurt.  She fell in love with me, and I didn’t feel the same way.  I wanted to.  But somehow I couldn’t.”

*

“And Rebecca?” she asked when I was silent for a few minutes.

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“Rebecca.  Well, with Rebecca, I didn’t want to make the same mistake I made with Megan.  So I took it really slow.  We didn’t sleep together until five months into our relationship, when I was very much emotionally invested in her.  But, after our first time, I discovered she’d been sleeping around with another guy the entire time we’d been together and that hurt more than anything I could’ve imagined.  It felt like she took a cheese grater to my heart.”  Tears formed in my eyes, so I turned my head away, unable to face her like that.

*

“Ben, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that,” she whispered, hugging me around the waist.  I wiped my eyes with my sleeve before spinning to face her.

*

“I’m not sorry.  If I hadn’t gone through each of those experiences I wouldn’t have been ready for you.  I would’ve been the guy who got up and walked away when I found out you wouldn’t be sleeping with me.  I had to go through all the pain and I had to cause some, before I could understand what you understood a long time ago, that sex shouldn’t be taken so lightly.  That every time you sleep with someone different, a little piece of your heart attaches itself to that person, and you can’t ever get it back.  So, I’m ready and willing to wait, even if that means we never have sex, because I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.”

*

“Thank you,” she said, moving her arms from my waist to around my neck.  I pulled her close to me and buried my face in her hair.  I opened my mouth to tell her all that I’d been feeling since my birthday, but she spoke before I could.

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“Hey, I have to tell you something.”

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I pulled back and looked into her eyes.  “Hmm?”

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“My boss really liked the last article I turned in.  It might be published in the December issue.”

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“Oh my God!”  I jumped from my seat and lifted her up, hugging her to my body and spinning around, her feet dangled off the ground and her hands clutched my shoulders.  “Abby, that’s so incredible!  I knew you could do it!  I’m so proud of you.”

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She laughed and threw her hands into the air as we continued to twirl throughout the room.  I wanted to tell her so badly, tell her how much I loved her.  But something held me back and I didn’t.

*

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<– Chapter Fifteen: Good News, Bad News********************Chapter Seventeen: A Few Steps Forward –>