Chapter Thirty-Nine: Another Wedding

Ben

*

“How the hell did you get these seats, Ben?” Matt asked, sipping his second beer and looking around our private box in amazement.

*

“It’s the article, man.  The owner read it and offered me use of the seats anytime I wanted for the rest of the season.  I brought a group of kids last week.”

*

“If I’d known I’d get to watch the Sox from box seats, I wouldn’t have given you such a hard time about the bachelor party.”

*

“You’ll know better next time,” I joked, punching him in the shoulder.

*

“Nah, this is it for me.  I’ve found the woman I’m going to grow old with.”

*

“Going to grow old with?  You’re already there, man!”  Everyone laughed, myself, his coworkers, and the guys from our softball team.

*

Matt and Trish were the epitome of the old married couple, desperately in love, and prone to bickering when they thought no one was watching.  Trish had been an extension of Matt for so long, it was hard to remember what my friend acted like before she came into his life.  Oh right, a smart-ass.  I guess he must not have changed too much.

*

As the guys turned their laughing into mocking of Matt and the state of marriage, he turned to me, and said quietly, “You remember when Trish and I broke up, after I graduated from law school?”  His eyes were serious and his jaw pulled tight; probably what he looked like in a courtroom.

*

“What?  You and Trish never broke up.”

*

“Yeah, we did, for a couple of months.  We were so young, like twenty-four or so, I think it was around the time you started building the complex.”

*

“Oh.  Yeah, I do remember now.  I guess, I mean, you guys seem like the perfect couple, I just forgot.”

*

“Yeah, I try to, too.  I was working constantly, trying to prove myself at the firm, and I neglected her.  I canceled plans all the time; I never told her how much she meant to me.  I forgot about her, about us.”  He stroked the stubble on his chin, lost deep in thought.

*

“Why are you telling me this?”

*

“Because she forgave me.  She gave me a second chance.  And it’s time for you to do the same.”

*

“Come on, this is a bachelor party.  We’re supposed to be getting drunk and having fun, not talking about such deep stuff.”  My face grew red.  His situation and mine were completely different.

*

“I’ve known you all my life, I’m telling you this because I care.  You need to man up.  Forgive her.  That doesn’t mean you have to get back together with her, maybe you don’t want to give her a second chance, but you’re never going to be able to move on, with her or without her, if you can’t forgive her.”

*

My heart was full as I listened to him.  Forgiveness wasn’t that easy.  It should be, but it wasn’t.  My love hadn’t been enough, how do you forgive someone for that?

*

Instead of responding, I left my seat and grabbed two beers from the cooler in the back of our box.  As I sat back down, I handed the extra one to him, but kept my eyes focused on the game.  My silence said, Thanks for the advice.  I’ll think about it, and he understood.

*

Popping the top of his can he said simply, “You’re welcome.”

*

We didn’t speak throughout the rest of the game, but Matt cheered or yelled along with the rest of our party whenever the Sox made a great or lousy play.

*

After the game, Hunter, Matt’s friend from work, took over the reigns and forced us to barhop all over the city.  I dropped him off with Trish around two in the morning. He was completely trashed as I helped him through the door.

*

“Thanks for bringing him back in one piece,” she snapped.

*

“Hey, I just planned the baseball game, blame Hunter for the inebriation.”

*

“Yeah, I’m sure he didn’t do any drinking at the game.”  Her tone tried to convey anger, but a smile threatened to expose her true amusement at the situation.  “Will you just try and keep him sober next week?  I can’t have a sick groom on my wedding day.”

*

“Don’t worry, we’re all bachelor-ed out.”

*

“All right.  Well, I guess I’ll see you at the rehearsal.  Be there at five.”

*

“Yes, ma’am.  Night, Trish.”

*

“Goodnight, Ben.  And hey, thanks for planning this for him.  I’m sure he had fun.”

*

I waved at her as I walked backwards to my car.  She smiled at me from the porch, then made her way inside to her drunken fiancé.  In a week, he would be her husband.

*

*  *  *  *

*

On the morning of the wedding, I got up and went to the complex to exercise.  My muscles ached sorely for weeks and nothing loosened the kinks like a strenuous work out.  Stretching my arms high above my head, I thought about what Matt said about forgiveness being the key to moving on.  The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that he was only partially right.  I needed closure to move on, not forgiveness.  Closure might take the form of forgiveness sometimes, but not always, and in this case, what I really needed was to tell Abby to leave me alone for good.  I needed to get her out of my head.

*

The ceremony started and I followed Matt down the aisle, involuntarily scanning the crowd for Abby.  Part of me hoped she was there and part of me prayed she wasn’t.  I didn’t see her.  My heart calmed its beating and I focused on waiting for the bridesmaids to file down the aisle.  The audience rose and I craned my neck, searching for a glimpse of Trish, but couldn’t see over the heads of the guests, so instead, I looked at Matt.  His eyes brimmed with tears and he had the biggest, dorkiest grin plastered across his face.  When Trish came into view, he sucked in a breath and held it for a few seconds before slowly letting it out and forming the grin again.  I’d never seen him so happy.

*

She glided down the aisle, looking so serene and beautiful I felt wrong being in her presence.  Her father kissed her cheek then shook Matt’s hand before sitting down in the front row.

*

“I love you,” Matt whispered as he took her hand and they turned to face the minister.

*

“I love you,” she whispered back.

*

“Family and friends,” the minister began, “we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of this man, Matthew Jacob Poole, to this woman, Patricia Brooke Martin…”

*

He gave a short message on the importance of marriage, then instructed Matt and Trish to face each other and hold hands.  I couldn’t see Matt’s face anymore, but Trish was just beaming as she repeated after the minister,

*

“I, Trish, take you, Matt…”

*

“I, Matt, take you, Trish…”

*

“With this ring, I thee wed…”

*

“With this ring, I thee wed…”

*

“Ladies and Gentleman, it is my privilege to announce that Matt and Trish are now husband and wife.  Matt, you may kiss your bride!”  With the minister’s permission, Matt took Trish’s face in both hands and planted the steamiest wedding day kiss on her I’ve ever witnessed.  I put two fingers in my mouth and let out a loud whistle; the rest of the crowd followed suit.  Applause broke out and continued to grow as Matt and Trish’s unfettered kiss went on.

*

When they finally released Matt yelled out, “Hell yes!” and grabbed Trish, lifting her off the ground and spinning her around.  I laughed so hard, tears came to my eyes, and the rest of the crowd hooted and hollered until the newlyweds finally decided to walk back up the aisle.

*

The group of people clamoring around the couple, trying to express their good wishes was so dense, I couldn’t even make out Matt’s big head.  Sighing, I planted myself in a corner and waited until the last of the non-family, non-bridal party guests were ushered to the cocktail hour.  Finally, a clear path was open to the bride and groom, and I hugged Trish as tightly as I could manage.

*

“Ben, I can’t breathe!” she choked out, pushing her hands against my chest.

*

“I’m sorry,” laughing, I released her, “I’m just so happy for you guys!”  I repeated my bear hug with Matt, who crushed me back.

*

A half-hour of pictures later and I finally made my way to the bar to grab a drink.  I scanned the crowd again.  A tingling in my arms told me she was there, but I couldn’t find her.

*

The DJ announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, I am happy to present, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Matt and Trish Poole.”  They burst through the doors to the ballroom and charged through the crowd of people clapping for them, then waltzed onto the dance floor effortlessly.  As their first dance played, I tried to relax.  The tingling in my arms faded; maybe she’s not here after all.

*

As soon as the bride and groom took their seats, dinner service began, and I turned all of my attention to the prime rib in front of me.  I knew after dinner, I’d have to give my toast, so I pulled out the index cards I’d prepared over the last week and silently reviewed them as the plates were cleared around me.

*

“Ladies and gentleman, the father of the bride would like to toast the happy couple and then we’ll be hearing from the Maid of Honor and the Best Man.”

*

My hands shook as I waited for my turn.  Public speaking was not my favorite thing.  Finally, the DJ announced my name and I took the microphone from him.

*

“For those of you who don’t know me, I’ve been friends with the groom here for as long as I can remember,” grinning at Matt briefly, I then turned to face the tables full of guests.

*

“You see, Matt and I played little league baseball together and the very first thing he said to me was ‘You better not suck, because my team always wins.’  I think if I had sucked he would have hated me for the rest of my life.”  A few chuckles broke out and one in particular struck me; I turned towards it, but couldn’t see in the dim light.

*

“As we grew up, and I got better at the game, and Matt got worse,” another laugh, but I still couldn’t see the source, “we began sharing more than baseball.  He’s been my best friend through everything: high school, college, grad school for me and law school for him, the opening of my business, good times and bad.  I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.”  I nodded in his direction, he nodded back.

*

“Somewhere along the way, he met Trish.  I say somewhere, because to me it feels like they’ve always been together.  They have a love that is truly constant.  When I think of that cliché, ‘soul mates,’ they come to my mind.  Matt’s whole face just lights up when Trish enters a room, he’d lay down his life for her, and I know he’s going to spend the rest of it doing everything in his power to make her happy.  And I, as his best friend, will do everything I can to ridicule and humiliate him as he becomes more and more whipped over the years.”

*

A clear, sparkling laugh broke out over the subdued chuckles sounding throughout the room, and I couldn’t deny it anymore.  Abby was there.

*

“So, here’s to Matt and Trish, the world’s most sickeningly happy couple.  I love you guys!”  I raised my champagne, heard the clinking of glass spread throughout the room, took a gulp, and headed to their table.  They both stood to hug me and thank me for the toast, Trish kissed my cheek.

*

“What’s wrong?” she whispered before pulling away.  “You’re as pale as a ghost.”

*

“It’s nothing, just don’t like public speaking.”

*

“Oh, well, you did great!  You didn’t seem nervous at all.”

*

“Thanks.  And really, congratulations.  I love both of you, very much.”

*

“We love you, too.”  She squeezed my hand before sitting back down and I made my way to my table.  A slice of cake was waiting at my seat, but instead of sitting, I headed for the exit.  I needed fresh air.

*

I was only a few feet outside when I heard the clack of heels hurrying behind me.  Bracing myself, I spun to face her.  When she stepped out of the building, I involuntarily held my breath.  Her hair was swept off her face and pinned back, loose strands danced on her shoulders as she moved towards me.  She wore a long, strapless, navy dress that swished with each step, hugging her hips and showing just the slightest hint of cleavage.  Her neck and shoulders were bare, smooth and creamy white.

*

“Ben.” She stopped a few feet in front of me and looked straight into my eyes.

*

“Abigail.”  I stared back, not willing to show her my pain by avoiding her eyes, but her emerald gaze nearly broke me.

*

“It’s so good to see you!”  She rushed forward and threw her arms around my neck.  My entire body stiffened and I wouldn’t let myself hug her.  She quickly let go and took a step back, pain clouding her eyes.

*

“It’s really, really good to see you,” she repeated.

*

“I wish I could say the same.”

*

She took another step back, looking like I’d slapped her.  She brought her hands up and wrapped them around her arms, rubbing them up and down to warm the goose bumps forming in the chilly autumn air.

*

“Look, Abigail, I’m sorry.  That came out a lot harsher than I meant it to.”  I took off my jacket and handed it to her.  Attempting a smile, she took it and pulled it on.

*

“I understand.  I’m not really happy to see me most days.”

*

“Don’t start with that.  I don’t need to play your self-esteem coach tonight.”  Again, she winced at my words, and again I felt guilty for being so rough, but I didn’t apologize this time.  “Why are you here?”

*

“Matt and Trish invited me.”

*

“Yeah, I know that.  But why did you come?”

*

“Isn’t that obvious?  I wanted to see you.”

*

“Why?  Can’t you just stay away from me?  Every time I turn around, there you are.  Your name, your family, your baseball hat.  I can’t take it anymore.  How am I supposed to forget you if I can’t get you out of my life?”  All of the resentment inside me seeped out as I yelled at her, unable to control any longer the anger she’d created.

*

“You want to forget me?” she asked through sobs.

*

“Yes, you didn’t seem to have any problem forgetting me.  You left me and you haven’t even glanced back, except for one phone call on my birthday.  What’s that about?  Were you trying to ruin my day?”

*

“No, Ben, I didn’t think, I…”

*

“Yeah, you didn’t think.  You’ve only thought about yourself.  Did you even consider I wouldn’t want to see you here?”

*

“Yes, I did, but I hoped you would.  I thought, well, have you been reading my articles?”

*

“Yeah, sure.  A poor substitute for you being here.”  I don’t know why I lied.  What difference would it make if I’d read the articles?  For some reason, my anger wouldn’t let me hurt her in that way.

*

“Ben, I had no idea you were so upset, please, let me explain.”  She could barely speak through her tears, but still I ranted on.

*

“Explain what?  That I wasn’t enough to keep you here?  That your job means more to you than I ever did?  How can you explain that?  You can’t explain it and I don’t want to hear it.  I’m done.  I needed closure and this feels pretty final to me.  Don’t call me again.  I don’t ever want to see you again.  I’m done.”  I stormed past her into the hotel and didn’t look back.  I left her crying, just like she left me seven months ago.

*

My victory was short lived.  As soon as my feet hit the ballroom entrance, I was racked with guilt.  No matter how badly I hurt, no one deserved to be treated like that.  I turned on my heel and followed the path I’d just taken.  She wasn’t there anymore, but I found my jacket folded neatly on a bench near the entrance to the hotel.  Putting it on, I caught her scent, probably for the last time.  My body slumped backward and the bench caught me.  Putting my head in my hands, I let myself cry until I was completely drained and exhausted.

*

I knew I had to go back into the reception, but celebrating the happy beginning of Matt and Trish’s marriage seemed like the absolute worst idea in the world.   How could I act happy for them when my heart was broken and bleeding?  When I knew Abby was somewhere weeping and devastated?  Wasn’t confronting her supposed to make me feel better?  Why did I feel worse than ever?

*

Matt’s voice floated out from the entrance.  “Hey, Ben, we’ve been looking for you.”

*

“I’ll be right there.”

*

“Dude, you okay?”

*

“No, I’m really not.  But don’t worry, I’ll be fine.  I just need a few minutes alone.”  I kept my eyes focused on the ground and waited until the patter of his footsteps ceased before standing and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.  Finding a bathroom on the way to the ballroom, I splashed water on my face to cool the red heat threatening to give me away.  Get it together, Ben.  For Matt and Trish.  This is their day.

*

The DJ announced the garter toss as I entered the ballroom for the third time.  I didn’t join the other single men on the dance floor.  Abby was across the room, leaning against a wall.  Even from the distance, I could tell her eyes were red and her cheeks splotchy with tears. When our eyes met, she turned her head immediately.  I watched as she walked over and spoke to Matt and Trish.  Then she gathered her bag from her table and left from a side door.  My heart beat wildly in my chest, until I clutched at it, afraid it would literally break.

*

It was really over.

*

*

<– Chapter Thirty-Eight: Regret ******************** Chapter Forty: Broken –>